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nrdcoyne

Literature = <3
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Tonight could arguably be one of the most important nights of my life, but due to a lack of information and uncooperative family members, I'm basically missing it. 

I've dealt with some serious amounts of bullshit because of my family over the years, but this absolutely takes the fucking cake. 

Here's a message for the masses: when there is any kind of major family event happening, try making sure that the immediate family members (in particular) are informed. I don't give two shits about what's going on, if there's one member of the family not present and you have the chance to inform them that they COULD be present; FUCKING TELL THEM. 

I will undoubtedly be writing another journal soon which will probably contain more information, but right now I am in absolutely no state to be anywhere near a keyboard. I would likely regret some of the things I would say. 

Not a proper journal update, but this is as good as I get this evening. 

Also, I just needed to vent before I realilsed that I definitely shouldn't start ranting right now. 

Ugh. 

Whatever. 
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The amount of drama happening in my life right now is beyond ridiculous. It's not even about me, it may massively affect me and my life in general, but it also has the potential to quite literally change the rest of my life.

And I'm pissed.

Unfortunately I cannot post about exactly what the problem is because it's not my problem to share, but I can very vaguely explain my situation in regards to this. The best overview I can give is that someone close to me (let's call them X) made a decision that has bitten them in the ass. Hard. I found out about this a while ago but couldn't do anything about it for various reasons. That was a couple of months ago, before Christmas.

Flash-forward to present day and X has informed a few other people of the situation and they are trying to lend a hand and come up with a solution.

(That's the best I can do I'm afraid)

So what's my problem in all this? Well because I'm quite close to X I'm constantly being asked my opinion on the situation, which is fine because I basically don't have an opinion at this point in time. I've sat with the information for long enough that I realized that it's actually none of my damn business and X is entitled to do whatever they damn well please. However, I am also being asked to "report back" about any further information that X may or may not provide me. Here's where I start having issues.

I am incredibly loyal to the people I care about. It's just who I am. I hate breaching boundaries of trust and if I'm informed that I have done so I will apologize profusely and make a genuine effort not to push those boundaries again. I refuse point blank to "report back" with any information regarding this because, although the outcome of it could drastically change my life (which isn't an exaggeration, it could potentially change my life entirely), it's not my decision to make and ultimately my opinion doesn't matter.

X now has to make a further decision, based on the outcome of the original decision, and this is where it gets complicated. I have given my two cents; I have gone through the pros and cons of multiple different options that are available and I have also provided myself as a sounding-board for further discussion on the whole topic. That is as far as my involvement goes. Of course I have my own opinion on what the actual outcome should be, but because I realize that my opinion is based largely on me being selfish (largely, not entirely) I have kept that opinion entirely to myself.

Other people - not so much. There were two people in particular (Y and Z) who have been very vocal about their opinion on the subject. They, like myself, have said that X is the only one who can really make a decision on how to proceed from here. They, again like myself, have looked at the options, weighed up the pros and cons etc. What they've done, which I didn't, is give X a complete run down of EVERY LITTLE DETAIL, even going so far as to set up meetings without X's knowledge or consent.

X has been almost too laid back about this, but is stalling massively on making this last decision that needs to be made. In all honesty, there are only 2 options really available. Personally, I'm leaning more toward solution B than solution A because it makes so much more sense. It's faster, easier and, most importantly, it would have the least drastic affect on my life (not to mention the lives of my family). However, Y and Z have recently stated that solution B is the least acceptable decision to make. They have said that going forward with solution A is going to be the best long term, that they will assist in the day-to-day practicalities of putting it in place etc etc (which they fucking won't). In response to my argument in favor of solution B (which by the way, is the solution that X is currently leaning more toward) I was told that my opinion wasn't valid, that solution B would prove to be a massive mistake, that X would never actually go through with it, and that if X did go through with it, it would change their relationship with X.

Now, I've had my issues with Y and Z in the past, we have a lot of different opinions on many different things, but I genuinely thought we would agree on this. I was sure that they would jump behind solution B and start pushing. When in actuality, they're firmly behind solution A and are blasting solution B with a flame thrower. This has put X in a really awkward position where they don't know what to do. The opinions of Y and Z matter a lot more to X then they do to me, but that's because X is closer to them personally than I am. However, I'm still over here in my corner firmly in the camp of "Do whatever you want to do, whatever you think is going to be the best decision in the long run, just MAKE THE FUCKING DECISION AND PUT US ALL OUT OF OUR MISERY!" (Of course I'm not going to say that to X's face, but that's where I'm at).

I should probably mention one other person (let's go with V for this one, 'cause why not). V was informed of the situation at the same time that Y and Z were, or close enough to the same time anyway. V's entire response was the single most blood-pressure-raising response I have ever heard. Let's just say there were tears and "why does it have to be you? Why can't it be me? Everything is so unfair!" (I swear, if I could tell you the whole situation, you'd want to punch V as much as I do). While I have acknowledged the fact that the outcome of this whole thing could drastically change my life, I'm generally fairly happy to go along with it. If solution A is what is chosen, then I'll go with it. Even though it will most likely mean me having to move (like, out of the country), if it's what X decides to do, well then that's just that. If solution B is chosen I won't have to move just yet and X can figure out what they're next step is going to be after the fact. V, on the other hand, has not stopped complaining about X and the whole situation. V is being completely judgmental and selfish about everything. They have to be included in EVERY discussion about the topic, even though, in all likelihood, they would be the person least affected by either outcome.

We have now reached the point where X really needs to make a decision (any fucking decision) by about Friday (it's currently Sunday) so that they will have the time to get stuff organized and arranged (regardless of what decision they make) in such a way that they're comfortable with it all, because at this point - that's all that matters. Y and Z are pushing hard for solution A, I'm just waving solution B on a flag in the background (because subliminal messaging totally works), V is completely wrapped up in their own little world, and X doesn't seem any closer to deciding on what exactly is going to happen next.

Everything is in limbo at the moment, I'm being pulled in about 20 different directions between this, trying to find work, trying to have something of a social life, trying not to strangle various members of my family on a daily basis, and a list of other stuff.

There's also a whole other load of stuff that I literally can't even mention because, as I said, I can't actually talk about what the situation IS, and it's KILLING ME.

Tl;dr I hate it when I'm close to the center of drama, it's the most stressful thing on the planet and I'm very close to ripping someone's head off over it.


#sendhelp

(Side Note: With all the editing it took to make this at least somewhat readable, (without giving away too much of what's going on) it has taken me an hour to make this post. It is now 03:16 and I have to be up at 08:30. Fuck.)
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Haven’t written a journal entry for this in a long time. I tend not to use dA as much as I used to, but I’m still here, floating around in the background.

                                           

I’m still writing all the time, but I’ve actually started keeping a journal of sorts because I’ve found that writing by hand is easier for me than typing sometimes. There’s also the fact that I’ve been without a laptop or computer for about 3 months at this stage due to a serious screw up, so accessing a computer has been difficult.

 

A lot has changed in my life since about February of last year and, honestly, I couldn’t be happier. I’ve removed a lot of toxic people from my life, while finding new people to share my hopes and dreams with. I’m still perpetually single, but I’ve also gotten over that fact. At this point in my life I’m just happy to be surrounded by people who love and care about me, I don’t need a relationship in order to have a great life – if anything a relationship would only slow me down at this point.

 

I am now (almost) qualified as a Pharmacy Assistant which is awesome. I didn’t know how I’d feel about it once I actually started working, but it’s amazing. I was working with a fantastic group of people on work experience, and I’m now looking forward to working with awesome people for the foreseeable future.

 

Having said that, it doesn’t look like I’m going to be in Ireland for very much longer. I’ve been talking to a lot of friends abroad, as well as some relations, and figuring out what my next move should be. I’m hoping to move elsewhere in Europe for a few months at least. One of my closest friends will be moving to Asia later this year, so there is the possibility that I may go with him. Doing so would involve finishing my TEFL course, but that shouldn’t be too much of a burden. The fact that I’m also qualified to work in a pharmacy means that hopefully, even if I don’t finish the TEFL on time, I should theoretically be able to get a job because it is an international qualification (and everyone needs access to medicine, right?)

 

There isn’t really much else going on at the moment, I haven’t had anything majorly wild or exciting happen in the last few weeks anyway.

 

I spent a lot of December reflecting on 2015 and figuring out what my next move was going to be. I basically reached the decision that 2015 was a year of healing and recovery. 2016 is the year that everything falls into place for me again. No more wondering “what’s next?” This year is about making decisions and taking steps to get the most out of life. I’ve already made plans for at least 2 trips this year, but I don’t want to say where or what in case it all falls through. I am cautiously optimistic about it though, I have the means to do it, now it’s just about finding the time!

 

So to all the friends that stuck with me through another year: thank you!

To all the ‘friends’ I lost: Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (even though they weren’t so great)

And too all my new friends: here’s hoping that those friendships get stronger throughout 2016! J

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I think this book is taking over my life, it is day six of the thirty days of insanity and I have already reached 23K words. The average you have to write each day to complete a 50K project in 30 days is 1667, but yesterday alone I wrote 10,133 words and that's just from midnight. In total I wrote 15K words in less than 24 hours, which is insane for me. Although I've barely hit 3K today, but I think I'll survive.

The book I'm writing is fictional, but it's also incredibly personal because it is based entirely on my life and a lot of the characters are people I know, which is both a blessing and a curse. It's brilliant because it means I never have to think about how someone would react because I already know how they would react and in that way the words just flow a lot easier than when I'm trying to keep a certain character in my head. It makes it a lot more difficult as well though because some of the experiences in my life that are in the book are incredibly painful for me to talk about - the reason I barely managed 3K words today was because my MC is experiencing something that I went through and I genuinely could not keep typing because I couldn't see the screen for tears. I'm determined to push through and get it finished, but all of the character stuff from here on out gets progressively more difficult to put into words. There's one character who is going to be introduced very soon now and his appearance is the second massive turning point in the book, the first I am going to be writing tonight, but the second is what is going to have the biggest affect on everything else in this story, without this event the ending could never happen - but it's not going to be easy to write about because it is the part of my story that I am the least detached from. I suppose I'll just power through and see what happens.

It's a story that doesn't need to be told, there is a high chance that I won't even bother to edit it after this is all over, but it is a story that needs to be written. One thing four years of NaNo has taught me is that if there isn't something in your story that you feel needs to be told; whether that's a character who needs to be introduced into the world; a relationship story, or the story of a young girl who is faced with challenge after challenge but survives to pass on what she's learned via a novel; then there is no point in writing it because you'll never finish it. 

This book is my story, it is what I have dealt with, it's the people I've loved who've hurt me, it's the friends who were there for me through it all. The only difference between my autobiography and this work of fiction, is that in this book we live in a fictional place and none of us are quite the same, but the details of what my characters go through don't even need to be made up. I've said before that my life sometimes feels like a soap opera, well this is my chance to show why it feels like that. My story has happened to other people, I'm sure, but the way I reacted to everything could be incredibly different, which is why I want to write this story. I also want to try to figure out what has affected me most and how I can change some of the negatives into positives. 

It's a tough project because it really is as much about self exploration and being self critical as it is about writing the story, both factors are intricately linked. 

Ok, I think that's enough procrastination for now, this journal entry is about 685 words that I could have written of my novel. 

Oh NaNo, why do we do this every year?! *facepalm*
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This is basically a long rant about someone who is doing my fucking head in.

So, I have this... "friend" who I've been having a lot of problems with lately. Well, when I say "lately" I mean - for the last year or so. It's not a small problem either it's a fairly big problem actually because it's putting a real strain on what used to be an awesome friendship. I've known this friend for years, I mean years and years and I used to count them as one of my best friends, but there's this... Distance between us now that's really hard to over come.

Basically what's happened is this friend has turned into a massive asshole who only ever talks about themself. If I try to have a nice bitchy rant with them about something that's going on in my life, they have this habit of changing the damn subject and going off talking about theirself and not letting me get the story out. I realize that this person has stuff going on in their life as well and that they want to talk to me about what's going on, which is fair enough, but I'd like to be able to talk to them properly every once in a while - and not just be sitting there listening to constant rambling and the same bitching that I've heard about a thousand times at this stage.There was some stuff going on with me in the last couple of weeks that I'd really like to be able to talk to them about, because I honestly feel that (if they'd fucking listen) they'd understand what I'm going through better than a lot of my other friends.

It really sucks though because this person and I used to be like siblings, we could talk to each other about anything, but now it feels like I can't say or do anything without them deciding that they'd rather talk about something going on in their life. I know I'm guilty of doing the same thing from time to time, but this is CONSTANT, like - every time I talk to this person it seems to happen. I've spent a lot of time while talking to this person just occupying myself in other ways by playing games on my phone or whatever is closest. It's become a painful experience to try and have a conversation with this person, especially since we already have difficulties finding times when we can talk to each other.

I've had other friends tell me that this person isn't worth the effort I'm putting in and that I should just drop them entirely, but it's really hard to do that to someone who has basically been your sibling for a large number of years. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love this person to bits and pieces, there was a time when I would have done anything they asked me to if they needed me to do something for them, but there's a limit to how much time and effort I can put into a friendship. ESPECIALLY since it constantly feels like I'm putting in more effort than they are. Friendship is about give and take, but all this person does is take and I can't get a word in edge-wise.

I don't know how long I can do this for, I've managed this long but I have other shit going on in my life right now that I need to focus on and that I have to deal with immediately, I don't need the pressure of maintaining this "friendship" as well... We'll see how it continues. There's a chance things might be a bit different this time next year, but for some reason I highly fucking doubt it.

If you're my friend I expect to be able to come to you and bitch, moan, and rant about what ever is going on in my life and to have you care and actually try to help me. I also expect that if there's something going on with you you'll come to me and bitch, moan, and rant etc. But it has to go both ways or there is no friendship.

I'm at the very very end of my rope right now, and this is the absolute last thing I need. This person is on such thin ice right now and they don't even realize, because if I tried to talk to them about it they'd take it as a personal offence and there's no way they'd understand where I'm coming from.


Life's too short to be dealing with this, and I'm really thinking that I might just have to stop dealing with it all together and cut this person out, which I don't want to do. But I guess sometimes you have to take stuff out of the suitcase to make room for what you really need....

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